I ate the whole cake…and then some!

And I am glad it happened! You got to get to the end to figure out why I say this.

August 26, 2016, it’s the middle of summer, the heat is palpable in our small living / dining room. The living space is now further overcrowded with paramedics. There’s an ECG machine hooked up to my husband’s chest, monitoring his heart activity. The numbers are changing rapidly but it never dips below 200 bpm as he lays on the sofa.

The discussions pursue, questions are being fired my way as I hold Naomi, my two year old in my arms. The incessant screams of my five year old from under the table is evident above the beeping monitor and rapid talk. Leah had barricaded herself in under the table with the sofa cushions as soon as she heard the ambulance was on its way. She knows the drill. She has seen it before with her Opa as he was wheeled away and then died shortly thereafter. I know it is still fresh in her mind. It was only 7 months ago and so she is on repeat, “No, I don’t want my daddy to die”.

After the priority discussions were done and we await on the emergency doctor, I manage to convince Leah to come out of her fort and get to her room. She bullets out and climbs up into her bed but her screaming never subsides. She is so distraught that when getting a tissue to wipe her snot and tears, I notice the nose bleed as well which then makes her all the more hysterical. My rescuer, iPad lying on the bed. Cartoons on YouTube, perfect distraction so I get the kids watching.

Leah is thankfully no longer screaming out her fears but mine has not stopped and they are belligerently louder (in my head off course). It was similar to my daughters and is also on repeat “Alex you are not dying on me now, not in our home, not now, please Jesus, not now”. Pacing back and forth, the door slightly ajar so I can peek in to see the activity. Those few minutes before the doctor arrived seemed like an eternity, where all my fears morphed into nightmare of ‘what if’ scenarios.

The doctor finally arrived. The meds were administered. His heart rate was stabilized. My husband was now cracking jokes and falling in and out of consciousness as the pain meds kicked in and they wheeled him out the door.

Our apartment was once again quiet, the only evidence remaining was the empty packaging and needles that housed the medication. I cleared it up, looked in on the kids who were still very much in their cartoon world and headed for the refrigerator. Leah’s birthday cake was in there. Alex had driven in from Austria with it yesterday. He had picked it up in Linz on the way into Germany. Two tiny pieces where missing. The girls had eaten it after we sang and Leah blew out her candles. How can everything change so quickly from one day to the next?

I had promised my husband that I was done with my food addiction. I fessed up to my problems a couple of months ago and was ready for healing. Now that monster cake sat on the kitchen counter and I polished the whole thing. I then ate several other things, which completely allude me now as I write this.

I would love to end this post with a victory cry. Sabrina, conquered the problem. But it is not so. I’m sitting with an extra 25 kilos. The amazing thing, I proudly say, “I am glad it happened”. Had I got past it, I would have missed the revelation.

It is more than a year later. In this time Alex has gone on to be with Jesus and my food addiction continues. In this time I have struggled back and forth between victories and defeats. I am pretty beat up at the moment. I am knocked down, flat in the dirt and before deciding on this post, was very much ashamed.

However I say, “I am glad it happened”. A shocking statement but I hold true to it. Yesterday I got to sit down and tell my 6 year old about my struggles with food and why mummy is so fat and unhealthy. I got to talk, to shed some light on my fears and insecurities. I got to be REAL, to stop hiding and actively making decision to show her my imperfections. To let her journey with me through my imperfect progress.

This morning she got up whilst I was doing my workout. She knew now the motivation for what I was attempting. That I am making the change for her and her sister. She sat their under the covers watching the app on my phone spill out the exercises I was to do. I heard stuff like, “Well done mummy, you did it!”, “Keep going, the green bar is almost at the end!”. After the routine was done, with me panting and perspiration running down my face I got hugs and kisses. That’s my victory, mothering my girls and giving them real life lessons to face the hardships that they will no doubt have to face when they get older.

My goal this year is to keep showing up and be seen, imperfect and vulnerable. To stop living within the confines of an ever striving perfect world that is futile but to embrace my journey and finally find freedom in the sky, to SOAR!

Verse Mapping – Hebrews 10:35-36

New Study…What Happens When Women Walk In Faith.

Therefore, do not throw away your confidence, which has a great reward. For you have need of endurance so that when you have done the will of God you may receive what is promised. Hebrews 10:35-36 (ESV)

It seems that I blog only when I task myself with something but the benefits of verse mapping is truly amazing. Why? Because I get to personalize this verse and in doing so the Holy Spirit floods my soul and speaks to me.

I zoomed in on three words or rather these three words stood out…screaming at me. Confidence, Reward and Endurance.

During this exercise I got to reflect on my past were this verse was so applicable. My time of barrenness. Freshly married, eager to start a family but conceiving was hard, stressful and put me into a depressive state. The waiting was unbearable but after much time elapsed… 2 years… my miracle baby arrived. I gleaned so much wisdom, patience and especially long suffering.

I turned to the Biblical figure Hannah during my struggle…as I knew exactly how she felt. Just like she was depressed, so too was I ….her husbands plea was exactly how my husband felt as he watched me drag myself into a hole. It was only after much tears and crying to God that I was able to pull myself together again and accept His will even if that meant it not having children.

Extract from Hannah’s story…
Her husband Elkanah said, “Oh, Hannah, why are you crying? Why aren’t you eating? And why are you so upset? Am I not of more worth to you than ten sons?”So Hannah ate. Then she pulled herself together, slipped away quietly, and entered the sanctuary. The priest Eli was on duty at the entrance to God’s Temple in the customary seat. Crushed in soul, Hannah prayed to God and cried and cried—inconsolably.
1 Samuel 1:8-11

So here is me expounding on this verse.
Sabrina, don’t throw away your confidence (assurance in Christ and what He is capable off). And that is…He will provide!!!

For it has a great reward. (Good and perfect gifts come to those who wait, trust and believe irrespective of famine phases)

The highest reward for a man’s toil is not what he gets for it but what he becomes by it – John Ruskin

For you have need of endurance (character building desert areas)
Definition : the ability to withstand hardship or adversity…especially the ability to sustain a prolonged period of stressfulness

So when you have done the will of God (huge condition…this needs to be focus) only then….

You may received what is promised.

My children are not my rewards…no…they are fringe benefits as Lysa explains in the study. My walk in faith…handing over the reigns to God and letting Him have full control is most certainly my reward.

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My God Love Story

I always tell my husband that what made me fall in love with him was his persistence. He courted me with much patience and and never gave up even when I told him to take a hike (many times). The poor guy was a sucker for punishment and kept coming back for more. I was pretty mean, even I would have given up on me. In the end I fell head over in love with the guy who was able to take my nonsense. I know, not many people would have taken what I dished out…I was pretty messed up back then. His PERSISTENCE won me over.

Blog hop week 2 in my current Bible Study. Am I messing up my kids by Lysa TerKeurst. She speaks about getting back to our first love. Here is a short excerpt from her book after referring to the typical love stories from movies we watch. We see the mess ups and then the reunion of love at the end.

“Why are we so moved by these love stories? I believe it is because God designed our hearts for an eternal love story, our love story with Jesus.”

So here follows My God Story. I thought about my life and then the book of Hosea and God’s persistent love stuck out. Yet another reason why I love the Lord. His PERSISTENCE won me over as well.

I was doing a bit of research on Hosea and stumbled across an awesome blog post that expounds on persistent love. Here is a link if you are interested in reading it.

http://quenchnot.wordpress.com/2012/03/15/love-is-persistent/

I have extracted some paragraphs from this post that eloquently summarizes my thoughts in Hosea.

Hosea’s wayward wife and unfaithful children (examined in the first three chapters) would, in turn, serve as a metaphor for God’s turbulent relationship with his bride.

Chapter two of Hosea really is the “meat” of this account, as God partakes in a long and emotional discourse regarding his companion. The Lord begins with rather harsh words, in which one can sense his feelings of rejection and scorn.

In Hosea 2:2a, God says, “Rebuke your mother, rebuke her, for she is not my wife, and I am not her husband.”

Israel, through her adultery, had broken her marital bonds with Jehovah, and he was sure to let her know about it. God, however, only intends to chasten Israel and not divorce her. In fact, in spite of her habitual transgression, God’s sole desire is to love her and be in unbroken fellowship.

I look back over my life thus far. A time of growing up in church under the Word and later in my teen years accepting the Lord as Savior. Thereafter back sliding and literally like Gomer, prostituting myself in the world even though I was the bride of Christ. It definitely hurt the Lord as I played the harlot but He waited… chastened me and as I fell apart I found myself returning to my first love. Details of my life of harlotry and how I returned to God can read here in my previous blog post.

https://sabrinaebert.wordpress.com/2014/06/08/damaged-goods-to-trophy-of-grace/

Ultimately, I love how Lysa tells us to get back to our first love. Stop getting so preoccupied with life…the kids, the work and the umpteen problems inbetween. God wants us in a relationship with Him… An intimate one. So don’t forget to sit under the Word and communicate with Him daily.

It’s tough being a mum

Current study and the reason for this post…Am I messing up my kids? By Lysa TerKeurst.

As I write this…I’m tired. Physically worn out from a night with a newborn (Naomi, 1 week old) who had tummy problems. She came via a scheduled caesarean (first pregnancy was an emergency caesarean so wanted to avoid the complications I experienced the first time round) so you can imagine that I’m not a 100% well and still in recovery. Solely nursing without bottle feeds and rocking a little baby just after a op is draining. Our verse this week is for restoration from psalms 23:3 and boy do I need it.

I love how Lysa describes how she oscillates between “Good mum”… “Bad mum”!!!

I find myself doing the very same thing. I have those times when everything is running smoothly and I feel as though I got a handle on things and then… BAM, it changes that quickly. I loose my temper, I shout…I go a little crazy, maybe too crazy and then when all the tears are shed and my almost 3 year old daughter who is all spent crying…I am immediately remorseful. I want to go back and change things. I know I could of handled it better. If I had only taken a moment to breathe, calm down a bit before reacting things could have turned out differently.

Now that Leah is talking her individuality is evident. Alex my husband and I have enforced rules and we stick to it. Like her toys need to be tidied away before getting something else. Most of the time she is compliant but then there are those times when Leah crosses her hands over her chest with a look of absolute indignation and responds “Nein, Ich will nicht” (German to English translation “No, I don’t want to”).

What scares me most as a mother is that…yes it’s tough now. Caring for my babies who are incapable to prepare meals, bathe and feed themselves is okay. It’s tiring but I have control but a shift is taking place. I see it with Leah. She is particular with what she wants to eat and wear and the things she says just blows me away. I’m loosing control and it will get worse as they grow older. All I can do is pray. Pray that I get them grounded firmly in the Word. Pray that they make the right decisions. Pray that when they make mistakes, they are able to dust it off, pick themselves up and move forward. Pray that Alex and I are good role models that exhibit Christ in all our actions. Clearly, I’m making mistakes but I should be able to fess up when I am wrong and ask for forgiveness. I’m learning right now. Learning that my perfectionist ways needs to give way. That happy kids are better than laundry done or worrying about dishes piled in the kitchen sink and a spotless home! The laughing and running around and enjoying my children should be priority instead of getting all riled up that things are not on schedule.

I realize God is indeed teaching me patience, tolerance and long suffering through my girls. I’m blessed to have them and yeah I will mess up, no doubt but if I start the day with prayer and keep those lines of communication open throughout the day it will get better…it will be manageable!

Crafting my Life Vision

My search for online Bible studies brought me to OBS P31. I then read Proverbs 31 and I sooooo wanted to be that virtuous woman. I immediately signed up for the Bible Study with OBS P31 and it has been an amazing journey thus far. This is my third study and in ‘Limitless Life by Derwin L. Gray’ we are tasked in chapter nine to create our Life Vision and I went back to read the Proverbs 31. This drove me to base my Life Vision on the virtuous woman represented in Proverbs 31. My heart desires to be like the woman described in these bible verses. She is clothed with such an amazing strength and dignity that I want to follow suit and live my life in the same manner. We have five questions that need answering to make this Life Vision come alive. So here I go…diving head first into these questions…:-)

Question 1 : How do you want to be seen in 10 years?

To be seen as a woman that loves the Lord completely, fully and without reserve!

To be seen as a God fearing woman. One whose WORDS and ACTIONS display this.

Question 2 : What do you want to be known for in 10 years?

To be loved and adored by both my husband and children. To be known as a woman of worth that strove tirelessly for the Lord in my household and for His Kingdom. To be known as a woman who did this with complete dedication and no complaints. To be a woman who put a wholesome meal on the table and had time for both my husband and children when they arrived home from their places of education and work. To be a woman that did not have idle hands but worked hard to bring in an income and then used that income to help maintain the running of our home and to help others.

She seeks wool and flax,
And willingly works with her hands.
She is like the merchant ships,
She brings her food from afar.
She also rises while it is yet night,
And provides food for her household,
And a portion for her maidservants.
She considers a field and buys it;
From her profits she plants a vineyard.
She girds herself with strength,
And strengthens her arms.
She perceives that her merchandise is good,
And her lamp does not go out by night.
– Proverbs 31:13-18

Question 3 : What do you want your family to be like?

A close knitted family, who loves the Lord and each other and have accepted Christ as Lord and Savior. A family that attend church, bible studies and other areas of ministry which allow us to be enriched by the Word of God… and then leading lives that clearly depict these attributes. A family without secrets, having honest open conversations so that we can support each other through trials. A family that brings everything to God in prayer. And when our family enlarges due to the people we bring into our lives via partners chosen and friends, that they are godly ones.

Question 4 : What makes your heart sing (from a sacred vocation perspective)?

To be a prayer warrior…I’ve seen the blessings and miracles flow from the hand of God so many times when you pray without ceasing and put complete faith in God to deliver. I love bringing others to the throne room of mercy and grace!

To be an encourager…to help build them up and bring a smile to their faces.

To lead a Women’s Ministry here in Nuremberg. I have already started one here…we are friends, a pretty dynamic group as we come from different countries. There is no formal running women’s ministry at our church and this is the reason for me wanting to embark on such a venture.

Question 5 : Who in your life will tell you the truth about yourself?

– My husband

– My sister

Consumer TO Contributor

The first excerpt that follows is from the Limitless life book by Derwin L Gray. This is week four in my Bible study and this excerpt got my attention and motivated me to write this post.

Consumerism is an enemy that acts like acid. It eats away at everything it touches. Consumerism is fueled by an epidemic in America called “the Empty Self,” a term coined by psychologist Philip Cushman, PhD, of the California School of Professional Psychology.1 Our tendency for excessive consumption is fed by a void we feel, a hole that we are trying desperately to fill with stuff. Let me share with you four characteristics of “the Empty Self” from J. P. Moreland’s Kingdom Triangle.2

Empty Self : Is Infantile
Seeks to be made happy by food, entertainment and consumer goods.

Introspection time. I thought I no longer was a consumer. Why? Well I gave up my excessive shopping habits a long time ago. The pictures above are a little insight as to where my money goes. That is where my heart is, for the rural orphaned children in my hometown (Pietermaritzburg, South Africa).

I willing give money to this project and where ever else it is needed. Friends need only tell me that they are in financial difficulties and I will help. I support my brother by paying for his studies and living expenses. As well as support my mum who is unemployed so I cover her living expenses. If I see someone on the street begging… I will open up my wallet and give. Tithing at church is never an issue, offerings and love gifts as well. My mum has to just call and tell me about someone struggling and I ask for their bank details to make a transfer. I never say no to any service that needs to be rendered at church. I stepped up and became a leader for the children’s ministry at church, delved into other areas of ministry in service to the Lord’s kingdom. All is needed is someone to approach me and ask…

I do and say all of this without pride for I believe I am a steward of The Lord, everything I have belongs to Him, the money and my abilities to serve. I used to give before but I admit it was with resentment, not anymore with Christ at the forefront of my every action in giving.

Then I consider the other empty self characteristics and I know I still carry the LABEL : CONSUMER

Empty Self : Is Narcissistic

Esteem admiration from others…
It’s so easy to get caught up in a Social Media Networking world. Mine is Facebook. No I don’t take selfies, no I don’t post status updates often but I regularly check this application. When I do happen to post something, I enjoy the responses from my family and friends over my pictures…like of my daughter. I’m a proud mummy or when I lost 30 kilos after my pregnancy, I kept giving updates about my successes. I never thought about it now until I read this chapter from Limitless Life that this is consumer behavior and pride was rearing it’s ugly head in this form of interaction. I realize I need to stay in check about my behavior. Why? Because it’s easy to let the devil get a stronghold in this area of my life.

Empty Self: Is individualistic

An example of individualistic behavior is people going to a church that meets their needs. Like listening to a sermon or enjoying the worship music. Nothing wrong with that but it’s only those sermons and music things that allow them to feel better. If needs are not met, they go in search of one that fulfills their needs.

I have to admit that our church is small and dynamic as it’s an English speaking church for an international crowd who desire a place to worship…and at one point our worship team became non-existent simply because people moved back home to their countries. When a new team was formed, the music was horrific, out of tune and they kept making mistakes. Instead of being thankful for the people stepping up to volunteer to get something going, here I was being critical and cringed at every mistake made. Instead of encouraging I was belittling. Thankfully I realized this and started changing my attitude for it’s all about The Lord. Once you start becoming grateful and thanking the team for their efforts, they invest more time and effort in practicing.

Empty Selves : Are Passive

An excerpt from Limitless Life :
People with the empty self are fixed on living their lives through the risks, challenges, and adventures of others. Perhaps this is why reality shows have taken off in popularity in recent years. The empty self is passive in the sense that he or she would rather do nothing and let life zip right by than to actually participate in life in a meaningful way.

I am not into television, I watch just one program, a cooking show every evening at 7pm. But I fallen short here too, on certain occasions where I get so involved in a show or tv series, that I follow it and get caught up in it all. Like the talent shows. Never thought about it till I read this, I hero worship people and make them idols. Ironic that one of the shows actually are labelled with the word idol. I’m referring to the “American Idol” Real eye opener for me.

To end this post, this final excerpt is appropriate.
When you signed up to follow Jesus, He branded your soul with a new label: “Contributor.” This is who you are in Christ. This is your new identity. It’s now time to walk in your divine birthright.

Praying that all in Christ will walk in this divine birthright.

John 1:12 Verse Map

Our OBS small group tasked us with the exercise over the weekend, and well, I had fun with it until my almost three year old decided to get artistic with my paper and pen version of the verse mapping…she drew lines all over my work whilst I was looking up Bible verses.

Verse mapping entails the following…You simply dissect the verse, words pop out at you that make you consider other verses. You expound on it by looking up the verses. You scribble, you use colors, you bolden words…or you can just do it like me with visual aids of photos instead of the pen and paper version. So for this week’s verse here is my take on it.

BELIEF (first word expounded) is…FAITH in ACTION
This verse sticks out when it comes to expounding on FAITH…
Directed to doubting Thomas
Then Jesus told him, “Because you have seen me, you have BELIEVED; blessed are those who have not seen and yet have BELIEVED.” John 20:29

ACCEPT (second word expounded)… receiving something. In this case it’s Christ’s gift of Salvation.
For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith–and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God. Ephesians 2:8

RIGHT (third word expounded)…
The verse that follows reinforces everything mapped above…grace, salvation through Christ and us being accepted into the family of God.

God decided in advance to adopt us into his own family by bringing us to himself through Jesus Christ. This is what he wanted to do, and it gave him great pleasure. Ephesians 1:5

What a blessing to be chosen in advance…ironic isn’t it… my mapping this verse shows that God has mapped each and everyone of our lives…ultimate destination…into the family of God.

Damaged Goods TO Trophy of Grace

I still vividly remember the night I fell down on my knees, my hands clasped together in prayer, my face awash with tears asking, pleading, downright begging God to remove me from the situation I was in. I can’t remember the words I said but I do remember the feelings that coursed through my body. Feelings of helplessness, fear, hurt…the searing pain that wants you to end it all… to be released from the agony of suffering. Label : DAMAGED GOODS

I believe God had brought me to that point of complete helplessness. A place where there was no one else I could turn to, except Him.

I could blame the dreary circumstances of my life that I had no control over…

– living in a country where you are made to feel inferior simply because of the color of your skin
– comparing myself with others and never quite fitting in because my parents couldn’t buy us stuff simply because they could never afford it.

But that would be a lie…the mess that brought me to my knees in prayer was caused by the circumstances I created. What we lacked in material stuff my parents made up for it by showering us with love. I sat under the Word and attended church and I knew right from wrong, yet it was I who chose to rebel. I who chose to seek comfort in the world. However, I have to admit that I never completely understood the gospel. (I never understood the grace concept and having a relationship with God. Instead it was religion: just following the rules and I was tired of being good).

Still in my teens and freshly out of school.

I decided to have many boyfriends.
I decided to go clubbing every weekend.
I decided to experiment and consume far too much alcohol.
I decided to smoke weed that one time (thankfully I never got hooked on the stuff).
I decided to pierce my tongue, my lower lip…my belly button. (It was like creating the new me)

I simply wanted to fit in with the ‘in crowd’ to be noticed, to be accepted. A feeling of just belonging…

If that was not messy enough, I ended up introducing one of the loser boyfriends to my family. My life changed drastically one night when he arrived drunk and found out he wasn’t the only guy in my life. In my room, he fired a single bullet to his chest. I didn’t even know he owned a fire arm. He survived and I was so riddled with guilt because he had no one… his mum had died a couple of months before we met… he lived alone, so I moved in and lived with him after he came out of the hospital. I was shackled in a loveless relationship, blaming myself for his actions. I later realized that I was not the reason for him shooting himself…I simply was a trigger that set off all of his many other issues. He still drank excessively, acted like a moron whilst I paid the bills and kept that home running. Young, stupid mistake…I decided to leave, and move on especially after the loss of my dad was far too much to bear. I remembered him calling one night and saying he would shoot himself again. I was so fed up, my reply was, “this time please do it right or I will do it for you”. He never did make a second attempt…he just wanted to see if I would return as he was manipulating the whole relationship from the start.

You would think that I would have learnt a lesson, but no, Sabrina was now making up for lost time and so the dating continued, the partying and drinking.

Till I got hooked up with loser number two. His mum was running a drug business. He was contributing to it by helping her, yet I moved in with him. They seemed like normal everyday people but behind the scenes, peoples lives were being ruined at their hands, yet I chose to ignore it. Eventually we had a fallout, and it was exactly before a drug bust that resulted in his mum and her dealers being imprisioned.

During the time I stayed with him, I continued to work my normal job, live my life but that job too was falling apart. The company business was closing down, they soon would be bankrupt and I hadn’t been paid for months. My life was in absolute shambles. I was broke, back home with my mum…it was an awful depressive time…this is when I fell to my knees and turned to God…

I felt like the Samaritan woman at the well. Scarred, used, and an outcast, desperately needing love…a gift of living water!

However trophy moments were around the corner. My sister was praying for me, she sent out my CV and I got a job in Johannesburg. She took me in, took me back to church and my life started improving. I then met my husband… we married, we moved to Germany and now there is happiness.

Boy, was this a hard post…got through it and thankful for The Lord intervening and watching over me whilst I meddled in the world and messed around with all the wrong people. Things could have gone so wrong, I could have been shot by loser number 1 or I could have been in jail because of loser number 2. I call them losers but the truth of it all, I was the biggest loser, till Christ took my damaged life and transformed it. I was a trophy all along in His grace filled eyes.

Mess to Masterpiece

Chapter three opens with Chiens story, one toxic mess…and so I decided to share my own story…

Here is an extract from the Limitless Life, a book by Derwin Gray that prompted me to write this post about messes…

According to the Jesus Story, God was there and was using Chien’s messy circumstances to draw Chien to Himself. Every ounce of fear, pain, and brokenness Chien experienced, Jesus experienced too—on the cross. All pain, all hopelessness, and all suffering for all time for every person was absorbed into Jesus at Calvary. No wonder Jesus said, “My Father, if it be possible, let this cup pass from me; nevertheless, not as I will, but as you will” (Matt. 26:39).

I’m South African. If you are unfamiliar with the struggles of my country then let me give you a short description. I lived during the apartheid era. Where non whites were oppressed and made to feel anything but worthy. The label : INFERIOR was carved deep into my soul most of my life…but I now see clearly that all my circumstances allowed me to be moulded into God’s Master piece. I was clay in the Potters hands, each circumstance created a dent in me but the end result is priceless.

I’m of Indian descent. My great grandfather and his family were enslaved and shipped over to South Africa to work in the sugar cane plantations. They lived in extreme poverty, working for a pittance. All the basic human necessities that we live with now were absent. My mother had to carry water over long distances from a river to provide drinking water as well as the other uses for bathing and cleaning. Electricity was not running through their mud huts. Her life was hard, she didn’t have the fanciness of choosing a dress or shoes for the day. Having a dress that was not worn out and having your feet shod with shoes meant you had more than enough. To make matters worse the money that her dad earned was spent on alcohol and he abused my grandmother. My mum escaped the madness and fled…ended up working as a maid for good people who took her in and considered her their daughter. They also arranged her marriage to my father. (Yes, traditional Indian customs of arranged marriages were carried over to South Africa)

My three siblings and I are the products of that marriage union. We lived under better circumstances than my mother. My father worked hard and provided for his family. Our house was small but in Africa it’s a palace in comparison to what others live in. We lived in the designated Indian areas. I attended an all Indian school and we conformed to the white government ruling. Unlike the black population we followed Mahatma Gandhi’s “Satyagraha” passive resistance movement. This movement evolved in my hometown Pietermaritzburg before I was born and I am grateful for it. Indians fought but it was all done in non violence…a fight to block discriminatory legislation by the Natal Parliament which sought to disenfranchise Indians. Gandhi made huge changes with the ‘truth force’ by simply marching through restricted areas and getting arrested thereby flooding prisons and going on work strikes. After General Smuts finally approved certain laws that at least gave us some standing, we became a peaceful community once again. However we still eked out an existence in silence, straining under the burden of an oppressive government.

I hated it… all the crime, constantly living I fear. We were never allowed to leave the confines of our homes and walk freely through streets. You were always looking over your shoulder. Why? Because you could get raped and murdered and then be dumped in a bush somewhere. You could die from someone trying to steal your bread money on your way to the supermarket. We walked together in numbers, whether it was to school and back. We kept dogs, not as pets but as body guards. We had burglar guards over our windows and doors, in actuality, we made our homes prisons. Crime escalated to such an extent, you actually became immune to stories of hijackings, rape cases, break in’s. It became the norm…

I remember my life as a kid…it was always hand me downs from my sisters. We rarely got anything new. When my dad got his bonus at year end that’s when we got something pretty to wear, instead of presents under a Christmas tree. I also remember times of hardship especially when my fathers terminal polycystic kidneys had him on early retirement. Life got hard, putting a meal on the table was difficult. However I remember my mum, when in excess she gave stuff away to others in need. We always had our homes filled with family (even her mother and abusive father). We didn’t need to have a guest room, a knock on the door and my mum would take them in and put out a bed anywhere. We had them sleeping on floors in our tiny bedrooms. You never questioned it being any other way, you just accepted it.

My life is riddled with so many struggles where toxic feelings emerged. Bitterness, hatred, anger, feelings of inadequacy that I never amount to anything and that this was my plight in life…life became messy! I never felt “good enough”. I never had nice clothes. I was always comparing myself with others. However I was always reminded that someone else had it worse and to stop feeling sorry for myself. Even if my school shoes started to wear out from use and were getting holes…I had to make it last till the year was out. It didn’t matter if my school uniform was discolored as it was second hand or hand me downs from my sisters, you had to make it last. No fancy clothes and wearing the latest styles…if you could afford it, well good for you, if you didn’t, like my family, you just got what was needed. If you complained, you were reminded that in comparison to your parents, you had it so good so keep quiet and stop sulking. The one constant was my mum making sure we attended church. Irrespective of what was happening at home, we got dressed and sat under the Word.

I still carried those toxic feelings through my schooling and later when I started working. Things got whole lot worse from my own mistakes after that and the circumstances I created, trying to get accepted by joining the wrong crowd of people and trying to make up for the lack when growing up.

When I was at my lowest I cried to God and he met me at my point of need. I was financially struggling and the relationships I made were keeping me in shackles. I met my husband after leaving Pietermaritzburg and starting a job in Johannesburg. Falling in love and being accepted with no color barriers was truly amazing especially in a country where you are shunned and it was taboo to engage in inter-racial relationships. Moving here to Germany and living in a predominantly white community…still amazes me sometimes.

Another extract….from Limitless Life

So, where is God in the midst of this messy world that messes up our lives? He is orchestrating His universe with wisdom and care, not from a remote planet, but right next to us, suffering as we suffer. He is bringing about His purposes through the decisions we make and through every circumstance.

I have stopped being selfish and feeling sorry for myself. I support my siblings in need, my mum after my dad died and other family members. I also support the struggling communities back in my hometown. I could buy stylish clothes and shoes and follow the latest fashion trends (which is what I so wanted when I was growing up and I admit I did do it for a while) but now I rather invest it wisely after all everything belongs to The Lord. My life taught me to help others with their messy lives.

Pictures from above were from the birthday celebration of my daughter Leah. There was no birthday party last year for her…the monies were sent to Pietermaritzburg to help with the projects. I never had a birthday party as my parents couldn’t afford it. I pray that when she comes to an age of understanding that she decides she wants to have it done this way every year.

To wrap it up I’m in total agreement with what Derwin says…there are no surprises with God…He knew where and what needed to happen in my life to get me to this point. I had to walk through the many messes to get to where I am now. I encourage you sister in The Lord to use your life’s messes to bring Him glory!

Changed & Transformed

Wendy Blight…the author of “Living so that…” is a Bible study that I am currently doing. She is taking me on a deep spiritual journey where the Word is saturating my being. The information that I am receiving and the spiritual insight obtained from the Word are precious little nuggets of gold that I am using to fill up my spiritual bank account.

I am in a happy place…and communicating with my Heavenly Father on a daily basis. Not out of duty, but simply because I want to know Him better. Every week the study takes us through different #so that’s’

Chapter 1: Jesus came so that…
Chapter 2: God spoke so that…
Chapter 3: Praying so that….

Each week there is a memory verse. I remember as youth I was required to memorise Bible verses and I fell out of the habit when I grew older and life consumed the place of a God….His Word. I love that I am back in a place where I am doing it again. The difference then and now…is that I crave to do it. I desire the scripture and see it for what it is, an absolute necessity…it is nourishment for my soul. Man cannot live on bread alone but by every Word that proceeds out of the mouth of a God.

During these three weeks…I have not only been reading a lot of scripture and when I mean a lot…it definitely is a lot. It’s a Study that requires you to be in the Bible constantly…referencing and cross referencing as well as a whole lot of introspection.   I am getting convicted by the a Word and I am making changes and praying that the Holy Spirit will lead and guide me always.

I am blogging…simply because the study has a blog hop each week and I want to be an active participant. I missed the last two weeks. 😦 Not a writer but I wanted to blog it so that I can mark some of the learning tools that I am using and in doing so show how I have incorporated these tools in my life.

For example making personalized encouragement Bible verses boxes for three of the ladies who assist me with children’s ministry. I have enjoyed personalizing those verses with their names, cutting and folding them and placing them in the boxes. Whilst doing it, praying for each one individually. I loved going through their Facebook pictures and finding a pic that I really like that showed their true beauty so that I could print it out and attach it the the boxes as well as writing them a note at the back of it as to what they mean to me. Encouragement…we all need that…I need it too and therefore I loved this idea so much. This Friday at a dinner invite that I made to all of them, I will be passing it on.

The other tool was prayer triggers. This is amazing…I asked two of my friends to pass me something they liked so every time I saw it I could bring them to remembrance and pray for them. This I have already applied and it is working beautifully.One of these friends loves nature, trees and plants. The weather here in Germany is getting better, trees blossoming with life and it is the perfect trigger to keep her in prayer. In my apartment, added a pot plant to the kitchen window sill to remind me of her when I am not outdoors.

We are only half way through this study but I see the transformation occurring in my life. Approaching the Word and praying is to get closer to God. Jesus came and made this possible. I can boldly enter the throne room of grace and ask…but also come through with an attitude of humbleness and thankfulness. Wow…do you ever think about that…that you can just step into God’s presence and make your needs known? Do you understand the gravity of what you are doing? It blows me away…just pondering on that thought alone.

Change is happening and for the better. I am embracing the new me…the Christ in me and for those who are reading this, I challenge you to do the same. Get out of your comfort zone. There is power that you have free access to, the very same power that raised Christ from the dead, use it!

Your sister in Christ
Sabrina