I still vividly remember the night I fell down on my knees, my hands clasped together in prayer, my face awash with tears asking, pleading, downright begging God to remove me from the situation I was in. I can’t remember the words I said but I do remember the feelings that coursed through my body. Feelings of helplessness, fear, hurt…the searing pain that wants you to end it all… to be released from the agony of suffering. Label : DAMAGED GOODS
I believe God had brought me to that point of complete helplessness. A place where there was no one else I could turn to, except Him.
I could blame the dreary circumstances of my life that I had no control over…
– living in a country where you are made to feel inferior simply because of the color of your skin
– comparing myself with others and never quite fitting in because my parents couldn’t buy us stuff simply because they could never afford it.
But that would be a lie…the mess that brought me to my knees in prayer was caused by the circumstances I created. What we lacked in material stuff my parents made up for it by showering us with love. I sat under the Word and attended church and I knew right from wrong, yet it was I who chose to rebel. I who chose to seek comfort in the world. However, I have to admit that I never completely understood the gospel. (I never understood the grace concept and having a relationship with God. Instead it was religion: just following the rules and I was tired of being good).
Still in my teens and freshly out of school.
I decided to have many boyfriends.
I decided to go clubbing every weekend.
I decided to experiment and consume far too much alcohol.
I decided to smoke weed that one time (thankfully I never got hooked on the stuff).
I decided to pierce my tongue, my lower lip…my belly button. (It was like creating the new me)
I simply wanted to fit in with the ‘in crowd’ to be noticed, to be accepted. A feeling of just belonging…
If that was not messy enough, I ended up introducing one of the loser boyfriends to my family. My life changed drastically one night when he arrived drunk and found out he wasn’t the only guy in my life. In my room, he fired a single bullet to his chest. I didn’t even know he owned a fire arm. He survived and I was so riddled with guilt because he had no one… his mum had died a couple of months before we met… he lived alone, so I moved in and lived with him after he came out of the hospital. I was shackled in a loveless relationship, blaming myself for his actions. I later realized that I was not the reason for him shooting himself…I simply was a trigger that set off all of his many other issues. He still drank excessively, acted like a moron whilst I paid the bills and kept that home running. Young, stupid mistake…I decided to leave, and move on especially after the loss of my dad was far too much to bear. I remembered him calling one night and saying he would shoot himself again. I was so fed up, my reply was, “this time please do it right or I will do it for you”. He never did make a second attempt…he just wanted to see if I would return as he was manipulating the whole relationship from the start.
You would think that I would have learnt a lesson, but no, Sabrina was now making up for lost time and so the dating continued, the partying and drinking.
Till I got hooked up with loser number two. His mum was running a drug business. He was contributing to it by helping her, yet I moved in with him. They seemed like normal everyday people but behind the scenes, peoples lives were being ruined at their hands, yet I chose to ignore it. Eventually we had a fallout, and it was exactly before a drug bust that resulted in his mum and her dealers being imprisioned.
During the time I stayed with him, I continued to work my normal job, live my life but that job too was falling apart. The company business was closing down, they soon would be bankrupt and I hadn’t been paid for months. My life was in absolute shambles. I was broke, back home with my mum…it was an awful depressive time…this is when I fell to my knees and turned to God…
I felt like the Samaritan woman at the well. Scarred, used, and an outcast, desperately needing love…a gift of living water!
However trophy moments were around the corner. My sister was praying for me, she sent out my CV and I got a job in Johannesburg. She took me in, took me back to church and my life started improving. I then met my husband… we married, we moved to Germany and now there is happiness.
Boy, was this a hard post…got through it and thankful for The Lord intervening and watching over me whilst I meddled in the world and messed around with all the wrong people. Things could have gone so wrong, I could have been shot by loser number 1 or I could have been in jail because of loser number 2. I call them losers but the truth of it all, I was the biggest loser, till Christ took my damaged life and transformed it. I was a trophy all along in His grace filled eyes.